Sad reality

I thought living alone will be easy.  I never thought that boredom can kill me.  Almost a month since I moved in to my apartment, and living by myself is fun yet sad.  Thank God I have my internet installed after a week of moving in, or else I might be crazy by now.  Now I wonder how my mom manage to live by herself while we are away.  Back in the days I was still in PH, I used to call her during my break and made sure she's ok.  Now that I am in the same situation, I can say that living alone, well, I mean technically alone can be boring most of the time.

I found myself crying last night and felt the world is against me.  I don't have friends to hang out with, I don't have family in CA that could give me a hug when I feel depressed.  Yes, you read that right, I am depressed.  I don't know why all of a sudden I am feeling this, seems like my hormones are kicking in.  Saw my husband and daughter's pictures in a birthday party that made me cry out loud to the extent that I can no longer breath.  I told myself, I should be there, we are family, we should be together.

I woke up this morning and the feeling is still the same.  I have no one to talk to and decided to message my husband.  I don't want him to worry but I feel like going crazy if I won't tell anyone about what's happening.

Believe me, living in the different side of the world with only few friends and some distant relatives is a challenge.  Yes, they are there to help you but of course they have their own lives too.  Sometimes I'm thinking how I survive by myself and how I control my emotions seeing a family doing groceries together, seeing friends having a good time and witnessing couples fetching their partners at work.  I used to be in their shoes but now, I'm ALONE, just M-Y-S-E-L-F.  And I explode!  I can't tolerate the emotional pain anymore.

The last time I experienced depression was when my first month or 2 living in Canada and yet, here again.  The struggle is real.  My husband wants me to go out, then what? go to the mall by MYSELF and see families or group of friends hanging out? I'll end up envious of them.

I know no one can help me, but myself.  I know I'll be fine.  I'll be alright.  They'll be here. SOON. and I will say I HAVE MY FAMILY and I am NOT ALONE.